Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
