i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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