So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
