who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
