If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
