if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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