do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
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