He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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