The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
