Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
