I didn't shave. On purpose
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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