Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
