never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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