All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
