I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
