i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
