you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
