You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
