Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
