well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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