so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
