I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
