You're so nebulous sometimes
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
