just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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