my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
