I wish my penis had an off switch
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
