Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
