I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
