Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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