I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
