I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
