Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
