What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
