I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
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