And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
