Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
