how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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