Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
