I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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