The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
