Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
