Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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