8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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