I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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