I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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