Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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