I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
