Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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