Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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