I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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