I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i will never coherently bang her
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
