i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I cut my penus on the lid.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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