I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
