Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
