It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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