She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
